Stephen Colbert on coronavirus: 'The first crisis of Trump's presidency he didn't cause'

Stephen Colbert

On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert provided an update on the coronavirus: “While officials are urging calm, today Wall Street S&P’ed its pants,” he said, as the Dow plunged 2,000 points, the largest single-day drop in its history.

“This is the first crisis of Trump’s presidency that he did not cause himself, and he is shanking it,” Colbert continued. For instance, Donald Trump tweeted that the common flu has killed more people on average a year, “think about that!”

“OK let me think about that … you’re a monster,” Colbert responded.

“Here’s the thing: we can criticize Trump’s golfing and tweeting, but when he hunkers down and focuses on the problem, that’s when he really sucks,” he said. Case in point: on Friday, the president visited the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) to comfort the public, but instead bragged about why he’s the best person to handle this pandemic because his uncle was an epidemiologist at MIT. “I like this stuff,” Trump said. “I really get it. People are surprised that I understand it.”

“No, no, he’s right – I would be surprised if he understood it,” Colbert said. “I don’t care how smart your uncle was! Epidemiology is not genetic, you don’t get your mother’s eyes and your father’s PhD.”

Trump also lied about the availability of tests, which have been scarce, and called them “beautiful” and “perfect” like his phone call with Ukraine.

To which Colbert replied: “So the coronavirus tests are almost as perfect as his Ukrainian phone call… We’re all gonna die.”

Seth Meyers

The number of coronavirus cases in the US passed 600 on Monday according to some figures, and “as the president continues to lie about the coronavirus outbreak, we’re now seeing what it’s like when a lifelong scam artist is in charge of responding to a public health crisis”, said Seth Meyers on Late Night.

Though there’s no reason to panic, Meyers assured, countries such as Italy and China have locked down and restricted travel to slow the spread of the virus. Meyers pointed to reasons for optimism: South Korea and China have seen slowdowns in the number of coronavirus cases, and quarantined people are making the most of their situations. Some kids in the Chinese city of Wuhan, for example, banded together to kick a homework app off the Apple store with a slew of one-star ratings.

“Maybe we should put these kids in charge of the coronavirus response,” said Meyers, “because while they were out there coming up with ways to shut down apps, the most powerful man in the world was visiting the CDC headquarters in Atlanta on Friday in a hat and windbreaker looking not like a man steady at the helm of a crisis, but like a hungover Little League umpire.”

While surrounded by a team of experts, Trump cited his main source of information, the one and only Fox News. “At the same time Trump is listening to Fox, public health officials are worried about making him angry by telling the truth,” Meyers said. For example, Politico reported that public health groups are “hoping to convey factual information to Americans without antagonizing Trump”. “They’re afraid of antagonizing Trump, which is insane,” said Meyers. “They’re talking about the president the way a mailman talks about a rottweiler.”

In other bungling response news, Trump falsely asserted enough tests for all Americans would be available ASAP (they’re not) and that those tests were as “perfect” as his call with the Ukrainian president, Volodomyr Zelenskiy, that fueled his impeachment.

“You’re comparing the test for a global pandemic to the thing that got you impeached? That’s not a good comparison,” said Meyers. “That’s like borrowing your friend’s Kia and saying: ‘This reminds me a lot of my last car, the one I totaled after driving it straight into a Wendy’s.’”

Trevor Noah

Over the weekend, it was reported that four Republicans including Ted Cruz and Trump attack dog Matt Gaetz, came in contact with a coronavirus patient at CPAC and were now self-quarantining and avoiding human contact. “Ted Cruz is like, ‘What’s human contact?’” said Trevor Noah.

“Now, what’s really concerning is that if it turns out that multiple people in Congress have had coronavirus contact, they might have to send all of Congress home,” Noah continued. “Which would be a disaster, because if there’s no one in Congress, then who would be left to not pass any laws?”

In other coronavirus news, the city of Oakland, California, allowed a cruise ship with several infected passengers to dock and disembark, though Trump told reporters he personally would have chosen to bar it. “You know, one thing I appreciate about Trump is that even if he does the right thing, he still tells us that he wanted to do the wrong thing,” said Noah. He then imitated Trump: “Everyone told me to save those people on the boat but if it was up to me I’d let those bastards die.”

He may be flippant about the virus, but ultimately, “Trump can’t afford to be misinformed about corona, not just because he’s president but because, as an older man who’s not in great shape and spends his time touching strangers, he’s definitely at risk”, said Noah. “If Trump is not careful, he could get sick. He could be incapacitated or, worst of all, he could be trapped in quarantine with Ted Cruz.”