JANESVILLE, WI (The Borowitz Report)—Calling New Zealand’s Prime Minister “crooked and rigged,” Donald J. Trump accused Jacinda Ardern of competently handling the coronavirus pandemic in order to get reëlected.
Speaking at a rally in Wisconsin, Trump called Ardern’s use of public-health measures to mitigate the impact of the coronavirus on her nation “a sleazy political move like you wouldn’t believe.”
“This woman wanted to get reëlected, so she decided to go after the coronavirus and beat it,” he said. “This woman is a disgrace.”
Ramping up his attack on Ardern, Trump accused her of securing her election victory by “listening to scientists.”
“She was talking to scientists every day,” Trump charged. “It’s all going to come out when we see her e-mails.”
In a final denunciation of Ardern’s successful handling of the pandemic, Trump vowed, “You’ll never see me pulling something like that.”
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report
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- Scientists say that Earth is endangered by a new strain of fact-resistant humans.
- Obama proposes cancelling cable at the White House to get Trump to leave.
- Ivanka Trump applies for the job of daughter to Joe Biden.
- Queen Elizabeth II offers to restore British rule over the United States.
- Putin warns that the U.S. will be controlled by Americans.
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