WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—White House staffers are seething with envy after Dr. Anthony Fauci revealed that he has not spoken to Donald J. Trump in two weeks, envious staffers have confirmed.
News of the break in communication between the two men sent shockwaves through the White House, with scores of staffers demanding to know whether Fauci had a secret trick that they could employ to similar effect.
“Two freaking weeks?” Jared Kushner was overheard muttering. “I’d settle for one hour.”
Fauci said that there was no secret to getting Trump to stop talking to him, but suggested, “Generally speaking, if you pepper your sentences with facts, that’s usually enough to do it.”
Recognizing that members of the White House staff may be unaccustomed to uttering factual statements, Fauci said, “Another thing you can try is saying to him, ‘Mr. President, I’m really looking forward to reading John Bolton’s book.’ That should get you two weeks, minimum.”
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report
- Dr. Fauci says that alcohol may help people survive coronavirus briefings.
- Scientists say that Earth is endangered by a new strain of fact-resistant humans.
- Obama proposes cancelling cable at the White House to get Trump to leave.
- Ivanka Trump applies for the job of daughter to Joe Biden.
- Queen Elizabeth II offers to restore British rule over the United States.
- Putin warns that the U.S. will be controlled by Americans.
- Get the Borowitz Report in your in-box. Sign up for the newsletter.
